arousal is not consent. bodies react to all sorts of things.
you arent “fated into this lifestyle” based on what turns you on. there’s a whole world between THE HARDEST OF HARDCORE and OH NO I GUESS I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING KINKY AT ALL.
the lack of a no is not consent.
the lack of a safeword is not consent.
the presence of a safeword is not a replacement for a good conversation beforehand about limits and comfort zones.
it’s perfectly ok to do kinky things without a safeword – although red, yellow and green can be useful, there’s nothing wrong with agreeing that stop means stop
fuck that “the whole point is you’re not supposed to like it” bullshit. if it’s not for you, your partner should respect that.
being turned on by something doesn’t negate your right to say no to it
it’s not too late to back out and change your mind, if something is too much.
using your safeword doesn’t make you weak. it makes you strong and trustworthy.
tops/doms: ask for limits and talk about it beforehand. don’t take someone at their word if they say they’re “up for anything.”
just because you’ve watched a few porn videos and read an article about how to whip someone doesnt mean you’re ready
there’s nothing wrong with being “too vanilla.” it doesn’t mean you’re close-minded or just a scaredy cat.
finally: have someone in mind before you do anything who you could talk to or go to for advice/help/feedback. at least someone who is not your partner who you know you *could* go to if shit goes really wrong. a friend, a family member, an older person in the scene whose judgement you trust, a fitness trainer, a school teacher. you don’t have to do this alone. it doesnt have to be just you and your partner hiding away from the world.
Jumping in here with a few additional things:
DO NOT GET ALL OF YOUR EDUCATION FROM PORN. I don’t care
how many romance novels you’ve read or videos you’ve seen of other
people doing it. Do your research and do it properly! It’s a safety
issue! There are a lot of websites out there that can tell you the hazards of any common or uncommon piece of equipment and how to avoid them, so go look them up, and if you still aren’t totally 100% confident (and even if you are)…Practice. PRACTICE. Especially if you’re going to be using something that could potentially cause damage – paddles, ropes, gags, whatever. Practice with them in an unsexy situation so that when you want to do it in a sexy situation you can do it safely, easily, and without having to stop and look up the directions.
Subs: you have the right to an experience that respects your boundaries and needs. If you have a dom who tells you otherwise, they’re not a dom, they’re an asshole. Do not reward them with compliance.
DO NOT inflict your lifestyle choices/fetishes/whatever on other people without their consent! This means the general public, anyone in a public space, other people in your home, and ANYONE who has not consented to be party to whatever it is you’re doing. It’s rude, it’s disrespectful, and you never know if someone could be triggered/hurt by it.
On that note, good consent is informed and enthusiastic. Let me say that one louder: GOOD CONSENT IS INFORMED AND ENTHUSIASTIC. If someone’s judgment is impaired in any way, they cannot consent. If someone does not understand the words you’re using, they cannot consent. If someone feels pressured by you to give in to what you want, that is not consent. Make sure that everyone involved understands exactly what is happening, understands the risks involved, and understands what they need to do if they change their mind after consenting (because, yeah, consent CAN be revoked and should be if you’re uncomfortable! Mind-boggling!). And if your partner isn’t 100% into what you’re suggesting, you need to keep talking about it and find out why and address those concerns BEFORE you try it, IF you try it, which is entirely up to you and your partner.
Be safe. Use common sense and common courtesy. Be sane. And require and respect consent!
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