An anonymous commenter who identifies her/himself as a funeral director has posted a magnificent rant
to a Reddit thread, explaining all the ways that funeral directors con
bereaved families into paying for things they don’t need, like $5000
painted plywood boxes and “barbaric,” environmentally degrading
“mutilation” (embalming), which are often described as legal
requirements (they aren’t). The post is full of great intel and advice,
including mention of the FTC funeral rule,
which sets out your rights in clear, simple language. I didn’t know
that US law requires funeral directors to accept your own coffin, which
you can get at your local big-box discount store or have delivered from a variety of sellers through Amazon.
I’ve seen funeral directors force-feed families absolute horseshit –
saying anything – to get them to sign a contract. Here’s a hint: don’t
sign any pre-printed “form” contracts. Most of the contracts we use are
super vague, so we can charge you for just about anything and justify it
by pointing to your signature on the dotted line. It is in your best
interest to only agree to specific itemized charges – i.e., have the
hearse but no limousines. Or have hair/makeup done without any
embalming. The law is very specific and on your side, but we count on
your ignorance and vulnerability.
Even better, find a trusted friend or family member who is more
emotionally stable right now and appoint them as your lawyer/detective.
You know that bitchy sister-in-law everyone has who makes major holidays
a nightmare? I can spot her a mile away and will do everything I can to
keep her out of financial discussions – because I know she will take
that obnoxious nagging and throw it at me for every single penny I’m
trying to get out of your family. See my co-workers standing around
looking somber and respectful? They’re not there to just have a presence
of authority, they are studying you. They are watching the family
dynamic and will report back to me with any potential angles I can play
to manipulate your emotions, which family members are taking it the
hardest and will therefore be the easiest prey, and their estimation of
your financial well-being. If, by the way, you appear to be less
affluent, I’ll tell you to take your business elsewhere. This is not a
hospital and I don’t provide a service – this is a business. If you
aren’t paying me (in full and up front, generally), all you’re getting
is my sympathy.
