The thing about Tumblr that probably makes me saddest is the underlying assumption that women past a certain age (which seems to be about 25?) stop having any sort of outside interests beyond family/career/kids. Like, y’all are always so shocked that grown women have lives and can fangirl as hard as we did as teenagers.
It makes me sad not because it makes me feel old (although it does), but because these younger women are constricting their own lives–they fully expect that this will happen to them someday. Y’all deserve better. Y’all deserve to EXPECT better.
And worse than that, the idea that there’s something WRONG with a grown woman who has other interests.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One of the biggest things I realized growing up?
It doesn’t happen.
You expect somehow you will change when you are finally An Adult ™. You’ll stop enjoying the things you enjoy now for something more “adult” or “mature”. You’ll FEEL like an adult and not like a child anymore. You’ll feel comfortable and secure and not scared and unsure and confused. You expect you will feel like you have your shit together.
But I can tell you that it doesn’t happen. You’ll still feel like the “you” you were at 15 or 17 or 19.
You just have these…things to deal with. Like rent. And insurance.
You have a job either because a) you like it or b) it keeps the lights and internet on.
You’ll look up from fangirling one day and realize ‘shit. I am twenty eight years old. That’s almost 30!’. Or maybe it will be that you look down at the small child clasped around your legs and realize ‘that is my child. I have a child. A human being child.’ Or maybe it will be that you have to negotiate your budget around con tickets AND a mortgage payment.
Growing up isn’t a thing that happens.
It’s a realization that it doesn’t happen.
Holy shit, y’all. There are some AMAZING responses to this post. Yes, everything alwayshometomarvel says. All that.
Feeling like I wasn’t ‘adult’ enough fucked me up for years. I would cry at night and feel like a total piece of shit because I was married with a kid, and yet I still did ‘not adult’ things–I played MMOs, I cosplayed and went to conventions, I drew fan art and wrote fan fic. I kept waiting for the day that I would wake up and realize that what I really needed to be doing was the laundry, cleaning the house, making dinner every night, etc. Basically, be the ‘perfect’ wife and mother.
And somewhere between then and now, I somehow managed to tell myself…fuck it. I AM an adult. I go to work every day and pay the bills and help raise my son and take care of the house. I do legit adult things. AND I play MMOs, go to conventions, and participate in fandom. And THAT’S OKAY. I’m 32 years old now and finally at peace with that part of myself. (Having a supportive husband and kid doesn’t hurt either!)
All of this is such truth. Believing these things about growing up, and especially about being over 25? Really made it hard for me when I turned 30.
I was literally suicidal on my 30th birthday. I spent the whole day in tears. I felt like I had died and my life was now worthless and small and never going to be hopeful or full of promise or fun again. I felt like killing myself on my birthday because I bought into this lie that somewhere after your mid-twenties, you diminish as a woman because the only thing that made you alive and shiny was your youth.
I’m 31 one and I’m done with that shit. I’m over it. I don’t care if you think I’m too old for something. If I’m an old lady in tumblr terms, then I’m past the legal age where I’m obligated to care what you think.
So, I’m telling you girls out there right now who are in your teens and twenties, get rid of this idea of what older women are “supposed” to look like. Get rid of this idea that “soccer moms” don’t play video games or that all women over 25 should be married and contemplating kids. Get rid of the idea that fanfic and fandom and fun things are for “kids”.
Mostly, get rid of this notion that the only thing really valuable about you is your youth. Youth is part of life, but it’s not the most valuable or beautiful or exciting time of your life. I like my life at 30 about 1000% than I did at 15, 18, 20, even 25.
I’m glad you’re still here.
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Jesus, all of this. Fandom life and fandom fun and PASSION for things doesn’t end at 25 or 30 or 40 or 50 – my mom still goes to as many concerts as she can (like, she goes to more live shows than I do) and is passionate about music and baseball (her chosen fandoms) at she’s 60 and a widow and a grandmother twice over. Youth isn’t your only bargaining chip and passions don’t die once you hit a certain age and it is OKAY to be an adult with adult responsibilities and also have fandom things you’re passionate about. (In fact, those are the things that make being an adult worth it. *g*)
So much of this is because American SOCIETY teaches women that 1) they’re pretty worthless to begin with and 2) whatever worth they might have ends at 25, maybe 30. So after 30, so far as the American majority culture is concerned, a woman might as well be dead. Or if she’s not dead, she’d better be focused on babies and housekeeping and fashion magazines, and nothing else.
The idea that women have ANY interests at all, past family and marriage, is just fucking MIND BLOWING to many. The idea that women might be interested in the same fannish things they were always interested in? Absurd.
At work the other day, one of our visitors asked for out names and favorite hobby.
All of the men had time-intensive hobbies and could easily name them.
The women (besides the two of us without kids) all looked panicked and then mumbled something like “I like to read, maybe?”
These women are awesome women. I know they have hobbies and things that they enjoy outside of raising their children, but you could see the sort of weird pressure there was to not admit that they wanted to do something other than raise their children.
Holy shit the NOTES this post has gotten. Take some time and read some of the responses if you get a chance. They’re AMAZING.
I felt it too, that terror when I was getting close to 30 and felt like…I dunno, like my life was about to be over, I guess. I hadn’t expected to have that reaction till I got there. I thought I had a hold of the whole nonsense about women and youth and beauty. I got it, right? I’m more than a face.
But what happened was that I got there and I panicked because I suddenly realized I had no idea: what do women over 30 actually DO, besides have families? Like, what are my options, and how to I proceed after the ones I like?
My online spaces helped me so much then, because there were all these cool older ladies I knew there. I could look at what they were doing with themselves, that they were still chasing their hobbies,
making career moves, taking kooky vacations with friends, being delightful idiots online. I knew could do that, and it’d be fine. I’d be fine.
But now I’m here on the high side of 30 and realizing all the things about being an older woman that await me. Stuff that nobody EVER talks about. Man, if you think periods are a no-go in polite society, bring up menopause sometime. What do any of us ever hear about in terms of what changes are normal for an older woman vs. what we should hit up a doctor or something about? How many examples do society give us about how an older woman continues maintaining a rich, fulfilling social life? Pretty much nada. Only other women who’ve been there can tell me. Why the fuck don’t we talk to them? They’re the people who hold the secret to our future.
I thank god for fandom and social media, because it’s what has put me in touch with women I can dish about this stuff with.
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