Thinking again about that scene. You know the one. (Sherlock spoilers)
Honestly, of all those explanations in there, the one that rings most true to me is the S&M one. Because it doesn’t just explain this episode. It explains the entire pattern of their behavior toward each other for the whole…
This is such a great wrap up of The Scene theories. I tend to agree with the S&M one too, but as you yourself say, just because you know the other person finds it comfortable and or ‘reads’ it as love doesn’t make it right.
Well, if it is indeed S&M and they both understand and agree to the rules of this dance, then it isn’t abuse. The issue of consent is primary. Going by this theory, both of them desire and accept their relationship in the form it’s in, and the actions they take toward one another. That’s not abuse; that’s giving each other what they explicitly (or what passes for explicitly in the code of their relationship) ask for.
What THEN becomes a concern is not abuse, but their own respective methods for ‘self-medicating’ their mental issues. Because BDSM in itself is not unhealthy; it’s just a way of two people having a relationship. But why they WANT what they want…well. Sometimes that’s fine, and sometimes it represents an issue they should be seeking treatment for.
BDSM is, in itself, fine. It can be an awesome, intense, incredibly intimate method for two (or more!) people to find emotional and physical fulfillment.
But BDSM, like anything else in life (but more so than many because of the intensity of the emotional responses BDSM tends to engender), can be used as a coping mechanism. And like any other coping mechanism, as long as you use it responsibly, it can be good for you, or at least not harmful.
But it’s all too easy to abuse a coping mechanism (especially one as intense as BDSM) and use it as an escape—most commonly, perhaps, to repeat a pattern of behavior that got you into the hot water or the mentally bad place you’re currently in.
So, look at what we already know about Sherlock and John. John loves danger and adrenaline. John has in the past—starting when he first met Sherlock!—used danger and adrenaline in place of therapy to deal with his problems.
(“You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it.” But missing it can be a way of being haunted too.)
It’s not an uncommon pattern in ex-soldiers with PTSD that they started out as adrenaline junkies before they even went into the military, and from studies, it appears that being an adrenaline junkie is a risk factor for developing PTSD when you’re exposed to high-stress situations. When military men like these come back from their service, it’s also not an uncommon pattern of behavior for them to continue to seek out and engage in risky or at least adrenaline-soaked behaviors, often in lieu of pyschological therapy. It’s comparatively easy to terrify or overstimulate yourself and ride the rush of your fear into a comfortable serotonin-riddled place. It’s hard to go into a doctor’s office and bare your soul about all the horrible things you don’t want to revisit and take medications that maybe don’t make you feel so hot.
John’s pattern of behavior ABSOLUTELY falls in line with the patterns of behavior many ex-military PTSD sufferers exhibit. It ABSOLUTELY makes sense that letting Sherlock fuck with him, manipulate him, terrify him, lead him into crazy, dangerous situations makes him feel much more stable, good, and useful than working with his therapist does.
(And he doesn’t seem to have made much progress with his therapist in those two years, does he? Still not wanting to admit he has feelings, still using physical assault in place of verbal communication. Carolyn-Claire is right about that, BTW. Totally not okay, and not excusable, and considering it’s not even only Sherlock he’s attacked, clearly an unhealthy pattern of anger management. And also: ABSOLUTELY in line with military personnel who come back with PTSD and resort to violent physical expressions of emotions they feel too overwhelmed to put into words.)
Letting Sherlock take the lead in an emotional BDSM relationship where they fling themselves headlong into danger and, when that’s not enough, Sherlock himself jerks John around till he doesn’t know what to do with himself? That is plenty adrenaline-inducing.
Also, if you’l remember, it ‘clears up’ John’s psychosomatic limp. Which is back at the beginning of Hearse. Because it never REALLY went away; Sherlock didn’t cure it, he just replaced it.
Sherlock, meanwhile, sucks at normal interpersonal relationships. Doesn’t seem to be 100% clear on how to HAVE emotions, let alone what to do about them in himself or others. Is also a stimulation junkie (in descending order of preference, it seems to go: John, challenging puzzles, nicotine, cocaine). May or may not have been traumatized by his two year globetrotting adventure (he doesn’t seem traumatized to me—he seems to have felt reasonably in control during his beating, even if he wasn’t thrilled about it, and I read the incident with John’s voice in his head as Sherlock thinking to himself in John’s voice rather than auditory hallucinations; but it’s not unreasonable to take a different tack on those issues). Sherlock also, every freaking time he turns around, demonstrates how he loves to be the center of events, loves to control the flow of things, how he gets off on outsmarting and controlling and intellectually dominating the people around him.
Honestly I’m not entirely sure whether to read Sherlock as simply a spoiled ass, or someone with some sort of developmental disorder, or someone with some sort of psychological or personality disorder, or what. Sherlock may or may not need therapy, or maybe he just needs somebody who won’t put up with his shit (which is where John comes in, and I think is what Mycroft meant by “He may be the making of my brother, or make him worse than ever.” John, in best Watsonian fashion, seems to have accomplished both.)
SO, basically John at least clearly has problems, and at the very least after faking his own death and going on a dangerous two year romp, Sherlock could probably benefit from a few months of counselling (though I’d love to see what happened to the person who tried suggesting it to him). And BDSM is just fine for them as a relationship choice, but they shouldn’t try to use it as a way to resolve or escape their issues—at least not without supplementary guidance.