Anonymous asked prettyarbitrary:

why do you love england?

Okay, listen up about England (UK people especially, this pertains to you):

England is a hoax.  Nobody actually lives there.  If they did, they would all have drowned or committed suicide after not seeing the sun for 600 days.  My long experience with American history shows that it’s statistically improbable that any nation would have a history stretching back more than 1000 years.  They would’ve been taken over by Norway or something, we all know about the Norwegians and their secret expansionist policies (THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE ONTO YOU SCANDINAVIA, but I know it’s not your fault, you’ve been driven into megalomaniacal madness by half a year unable to sleep with the sun shining through your windows).

Ways that you can tell England is a hoax include words such as ‘lorry,’ ‘pram,’ and ‘knickers,’ all of which are too cute for real people to have ever made up except on the internet.  Also their remarkable politeness; as we know, this cannot be an actual human trait (Canadians, of course, are not really human but a species of humaniform bee, which is why you can always tell a Canadian tourist by the fact that they’re snacking on flowers as they walk down the street—guys, grazing isn’t healthy, you should really sit down for your meals; you’re my national neighbors and I care about you). Speaking of ‘neighbors,’ that’s the other way you can tell England is a hoax; they add ‘u’ to all their words.  WHO DOES THAT, SERIOUSLY.  No one real would put more effort into spelling than they absolutely had to.

So in conclusion, England = hoax.  The English are actually all from New Zealand, a nation so charming that this is their idea of a prank.

Scotland is for real, though.  Nobody could make that shit up.