Approaching and befriending women whom I identify as smart has been a major revelation of my adult life.Adiprose linked me to this, and I think it’s relevant to a lot of things that happen in fandom—and a few things I’ve experienced myself of late.
When we meet other women who seem happier, more successful, and more confident than we are, it’s all too easy to hate them for it. It means there’s less for us.
But even if it were somehow possible to objectively evaluate all of our female peers against ourselves, it’s worth asking why we’re spending all this time creating a ranking system in our minds. When we hate on women who we perceive to be more “together” than we are, we’re really just expressing the negative feelings we have about our own careers, or bodies, or relationships.
I was 30 before I understood how much difference having specifically female role models and mentors can make. I’m not sure I can even explain it, but the connection is different. These women—they know. They understand the unique struggles you face for being a woman and gunning for success and fulfillment. They understand the unique steepness of the climb to self-confidence for women, and while the men who are your friends will, hopefully, support you and give you good advice on the decisions and situations you find yourself facing, the advice a successful woman friend can give you is so much more personal and detailed. They KNOW.
And thus they provide me with an example that a man can’t, because men’s struggles are not always the same as ours. I watch my female friends and learn how to respect myself by seeing my own struggles through their eyes. I learn not to settle for less because I cheer them on, encourage them to strive for more—and through my understanding that they deserve it, I come to an understanding that I deserve it. I see the women around me shaping their lives and careers and happiness through the force of their personalities, and I think, “Yes. Watch how they do that. I can have that, too.”
When I was younger, I got along more easily with men. And now I understand that’s because women have a guard up. We have to, because this world requires that we protect ourselves. But I’ve learned, as I got older, that winning a good woman’s friendship and trust is so worth it. We pull each other up the cliffs of life, and turning to another woman for help when you need it means something different than turning to a man. The support of women in my personal life and my professional life has enriched me in ways my 22 year old self never even dreamed of.
So yes. Befriend those women. They have secrets they can share with you, and you have something you can give to them—because in this world, being successful makes a woman a target, and she needs the support of women like you to weather that.
Shine Theory: Why Powerful Women Make the Greatest Friends