jomk:
What’s the first thing you think of when you self-identify? Is it your humor, your intelligence, your sexuality, your job, your hobby?
For me, it’s always been job and/or skill related. Always. That’s what was valued in my family. First, intelligence, but only as a means to accomplishment. There…
No kidding you’re daunted, that sounds terrifying!
I’ve done some work on my self-image, over the years—and that’s what you’re talking about, here. YOU are a whole package; yes, you have changed somewhat, but gigantic swathes of You still remain intact. You’re still recognizably the same person you were before. What you need to do is gain a new perspective on what that package is and why it’s valuable.
This takes time. Time and patience. It’s a process that can take years even for relatively small things. It gets easier once you get used to the sorts of shifts and mental techniques that are involved but it is, to be honest, the work of a lifetime. We’re constantly coming to grips with ourselves as we change, and as our understanding of ourselves changes. It’s a process that only ends when you do. The first step might be to work on making peace with that, and understand that it’s not a failure if it doesn’t happen right away; it’s just part of what life is. It’s a process that we can learn to enjoy rather than fear, a deepening relationship with ourselves.
I started with the realization of how bizarre it is that we tie ourselves up in these weird knots of self-esteem (or the lack thereof), with little boxes for “This is worthwhile about me” and usually closets stuffed full of “This is not worthwhile about me.” And yet, despite the fact that many of us assess ourselves as being Largely Not Worthwhile, somehow we still selfishly insist that OUR opinion on the matter is the only one that counts. Self-hatred is an ironically self-centered thing. ^_^
So to me, the sensible thing to do seemed to be open the floor. Clearly my opinion of myself is biased and incomplete, so one of the things I do is learn about myself through others.
I look at the people around me and think about what I admire most about them. If I consider consider it valuable and important in them, it would be hypocritical of me if I don’t value it in myself if I find it there. 🙂 (Again, telling myself this doesn’t automatically make it snap into place; I take some convincing. ^_^)
I also listen to what others say about me, and think about the things in myself that seem to make them happy.
Scientific skepticism is key here. I’m not talking about searching for self-worth in other people; I’m talking about studying yourself from new perspectives. Approach with an open mind about yourself. Assess how reliable you find the source (the other person). Be prepared to accept either that they are wrong, or that you are wrong, or that you don’t yet have enough information to make that call.
Another thing—and this one is hard; frankly it feels kind of crazy whenever I try it—is to ask people for feedback about yourself. This, I find, is a totally mindblowing experience in pretty much every way. First is the “Jesus Christ what am I doing?” factor: just the idea of walking up to a friend and saying, “Evaluate me honestly; what are my primary personality traits, what stands out to you, what are my best and worst qualities?” What?! I mean, we don’t DO that. But…it’s the only way we can get an objective view of ourselves.
And when someone DOES do that for you, it’s amazingly enlightening. I mean, holy shit. The things I have learned. I’ve done it a few times with different people (it’s not like I do this a LOT, but every once in a while, with the right person at the right time), and every single time I walk away with a brand new, exploded view of myself.
You need to learn to trust them, though. In a few ways. First, that they won’t lie or be cruel, and that they know how to give constructive feedback (one of the reasons I do this rarely is because I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking just anybody; when someone gives you harsh criticism about who and what you ARE, it cuts deep). But also you need to learn to trust their impressions of you, especially if they tell you good things. If you trust their opinion, then when they say something nice that doesn’t mesh with your preconceptions, you have to be willing to give their opinion credence. (It’s easier, I find, to believe others when they’re saying something less than flattering about you…though of course it can also be hard to swallow when they give you critique on something that disagrees with your existing notions.)
So, I hope that helps!